Story Two
I want to first say thank you, thank you, thank you to the woman who shared her story with me. Thank you to the reader for taking your time to read her story. I am blessed and honored that she entrusted me with this part of her life.
Starting off with her story of healing, she stated that she didn’t know exactly what abuse was. It had been happening for months before she knew the extent of the problem. The assaults became a new normal, everything seemed like her and her boyfriend had a perfect relationship, but behind closed doors it was an entirely different story. Not until months after the relationship ended was when she started to think about aspects of the relationship did she realize, it was definitely not “normal”. We together talked about how when you are in a relationship you don’t think that your person would hurt you or do anything that was wrong. In her case, it was her first love. Someone who was supposed to be a loving partner, leading her through the firsts of what real love looks like. Instead, the relationship was filled with manipulation and pressure. As she looked back, she started to go through the stages of grief thinking about the what-ifs, what if he did hurt me? What if he actually raped me? On social media she saw a post that stated “just because it wasn’t forceful doesnt mean it wasn’t rape”. As any woman full of hope in this situation, she wanted to be wrong. She wanted the facts of what he did to go away and the trauma to stop infesting her life. “I got really sad about it. I felt so violated and I feel like that's why I lack intimacy to this day.” Once the anger hit, she stated that so many times she wanted to text or call him and say, “Why did you do that to me?!” “Do you not realize the consequences of your actions?” He might not have any second thoughts about her ever but she will have trauma that lasts a lifetime. “When we broke up, I felt used, but not knowing the full extent of the emotional damage.” A concern she shared was that he was doing this to more women and that they won't know about the trauma till after they leave. A toxic cycle that keeps continuing until he is willing to change. Her family was another source of pain and triggers as they had no idea what was going on behind the scenes and they only saw what was presented. Asking questions about why she broke up with him? “I liked him, he was a good guy!” How do you tell your family about the trauma they might not understand or believe you? When she did tell her mom, her mom was enraged at him and wanted to help her daughter. It was comforting because it was the confirmation that she needed to know she was not crazy, her feelings of hurt and betrayal were valid. Other members of her family were harder to tell of the abuse as they had said things like “it was years ago, get over it”. When they would say things directed at her past relationship that were hurtful and triggering, she learned that being selfish and that protecting your mental health was OK, even if that meant telling a family member off. Tell them no, share your truths and give yourself room to heal and move on. In the healing stage, you have to put yourself first and to stand up for your emotions. She said to find someone who knows and respects you. They can then help to put yourself first in situations where you feel triggered or need encouragement. Having that person helped her heal and move on in a healthy way.
Getting another significant other had helped start healing, but also had exposed damage that she didn’t know was there. A problem appeared in their relationship when her trauma was now affecting her significant other and they were feeling a lack of intimacy. On her part, she was doing the best that she could but in reality for her relationship, it was not enough for her partner to know they were loved. Confronting the problem started with a conversation and two willing partners that want a strong, healthy relationship and that was what it took for healing in the relationship. She said that reassurance and patience was key to healing her deep wounds. It took time, but after a while she started to relearn the old, harmful habits to create new healthy ones. Her partner not only told her, but also showed her that they will love her even if she doesn't wanna do it during intimate times, or need to stop for a moment. She said again that being selfish is OK and even needed when you are healing. Make space for yourself and for what you are going through. With the love and patience her partner gave her, she saw herself in a new way - she saw herself as beautiful again, she felt valued and worthy. We talked together about how being with new partners can cause anxiety because we are actively healing from trauma and the other way around how it can be scary to be with someone who has needs you won't always know how to fill or can’t fill due to trauma. The answer is easy though, your partner will show you if they are worthy if they know to stay strong, listen and understand to give you what you need. If they don’t, then they aren’t worthy, easy as that. Have those hard conversations and put in the hard work together, it will all be worth it. “You will feel whole again.”
She offered encouragement from her story saying that she hasn’t been happier in years. Everything came together, her hard work has paid off, “My mind is no longer a cage.” What inspired me was quotes like, “Things don’t bother me like they used to.” “I am going to be myself 100% of the time.” “I'm not worried about what you think about me”. She did that, she moved past the anxiety and the shame and is now true to herself. The last thing she wanted you to know was that it may feel like the world is against you, but you are never alone, one in five women experience some form of sexual harassment. “Don’t feel guilty about it because none of it was your fault. Your life is just as important as your abusers and they didn’t take any value away from you. Your spark for life will always be yours, don’t put it out.”
This, my dear friends, is why after being led to believe that you are nothing, you are in fact still worthy.
